


Watching Shadows

by Deadly Night_Sh1ft (CrookedMath)



Series: Unnecessary Shadows [11]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Despair, Emotional Hurt, Erotica, Loneliness, M/M, Metaphors, POV First Person, Passion, Regret, Sneaking Around, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Vulnerability, Wishful Thinking, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 17:18:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19381237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrookedMath/pseuds/Deadly%20Night_Sh1ft
Summary: Since the day Undertaker and his long time lover split up, he's been secretly watching him, wondering if he feels the same emotions he does. Unfortunately for both men, current circumstances prevent them from reuniting, which only causes Undertaker to further question the validity of his former lover's emotions.You might want to read Shadows of the Heart for context, but you don't have to.





	Watching Shadows

**Author's Note:**

> Hologram impulsively writing in again from my phone. The turmoil is starting to die down at home. I just need a working computer so I can upload my ungodly long chapters in Unnecessary Secrets. You guys can beat me with wet noodles later. I'm not sorry for the sad stuff. Character development is important.  
> This contains rip your heart out through your ass level despair for an unrequited love. ***You have been warned.***  
> Enjoy.

Despair is a dead calm sea. Ever since the day I found your letter with the lock of your beautiful, wavy gray hair on my desk, I have felt _it_ ; the most dangerous form of despair. Ever since then, I have watched you from afar, torturing myself with your faraway presence. Even after I went rogue, I'd sneak back into the realm and lurk around the library, waiting to get a glimpse of your sublime beauty. 

I noticed that over the years, you suddenly seemed happy; an emotion you never felt with me. You seemed to be in a rush to get somewhere. Then, all of a sudden that happiness was obliterated; blown apart by a destructive wind. I had no idea why until one day while I was waiting to get a glimpse of you in the library, _she_ happened. Somehow, I knew deep down but always denied it; and still I deny it, especially to _her_. I knew. I just goddamn knew that it was _her_ that made you so happy. I wanted to be jealous, but when she looked up at me with fearful glowing eyes and tears pouring down her face, it broke my heart. I was on the cusp of taking her with me when she was suddenly torn out of my grip. Life or death. I knew we'd meet again someday. 

For you, my love, despair is a tempest howling in the night. You never knew that I've watched you from the shadows. I know your work and it's not what it once was. The thrill is gone, and in its place the pain remains. My beautiful Gray Shadow, my heart aches to see you this way. Where you once laughed, you now release an inhuman anguished howl when you kill.

Regret is a parasite living off of the conscience without benefiting it in return. I regret never having gone after you to tell you how I felt; how I still feel. I regret being so jealous and possessive with you. I know that your regret is also a parasite; however, it just happens to be a far more dangerous species than mine.

Wrath is a typhoon. I will destroy everything to avenge my loss. I will slaughter anyone who harms you or _her_ , and I have. I will decimate an entire realm, if need be, to avenge my freedom. You know this. You were aware of my destroying a quarter of the realm when I slaughtered the entire Council the day I left, cut up, never to be a flawless beauty again.

Despite the fact that I had a death sentence then, I still watched you from behind the shelves in the library. Your wrath is a cold, winter storm growing darker and colder by the day. Your eyes, once burning with passion are blades of indestructible ice. You are an expert in the art of war, it is only natural for you to strike with unparalleled precision. I will always envy that about you.

Loneliness is a desolation. It is one crying out in the desert for another who is simply a mirage. As you have said before, at our age, time is an enemy that can never be vanquished. I know that you feel as I do. I only wish that I could come out of the shadows and take you in my arms again as in the days of our youth... If only circumstances were different, I could make that dream a reality. As long as I've been watching you, I often wonder if you feel the same way too.

Vulnerability is... _She_ is vulnerability. Her beautiful hypnotic eyes have the ability to bend us to her will, yet she is so fragile, we can't help but want to protect her. There is something mysterious and disturbing about her that lays us out willingly naked, surrendering ourselves to her. Her very existence alone drives us to tear our own hearts out and freely offer them to her when we could never do that with ourselves despite being part of each other.

I wish we could have shown each other that side of ourselves. It would have been our secret. I'm sure that you questioned yourself and what you were. I know that I... I don't even want to think about it anymore. I just know that I hurt you.

Passion is an inferno. Gods, how I miss your touch! Every time we kissed, my heart felt like it was about to explode. The way you looked at me with your unique passion burning in your dark green and citrine eyes, my desire for you became just as inflamed. _I've never submitted to anyone_ , but for you, I'll do anything; just say the word.

Our secret times of tenderness are what I treasure the most. The heat of my skin beneath your delicate fingers always put a tranquil smile on your face, and I was always moved by that beautiful expression. Those were usually the nights when I penetrated you, yet you still dominated me. You're a man that moves like a woman and it captivates me. You captivate me, and I allure you.

My lovely Hesse, when next we meet, let our passions combine into an inferno worthy of the Apocalypse.

Love is... Love... is... you. Love is you, Hesse. Though I love her, my heart, body, and soul are yours. If you were to ever return my love, call me and I'll run to you. I will leave everything behind to be with you as long as I know that my love for you is no longer unrequited.

Hesse, your love is _her_. I finally saw for myself the day she died. I can see that there is no room for me in your heart. 

I wept for both of you. I felt like killing both of you in a fit of jealous rage. I feel lonely without both of you. I feel vulnerable with her and without you. I feel passion with her, but not the same as when I'm with you. I love her, but I'm in love with you.

Love, my love, is unrequited.

**Author's Note:**

> One day, when this is all over, I'm going to hit you all with Sailor Moon yaoi. You heard right, and yeah, I like Sailor Moon. What of it? I just want to pair two hot bad guys from two different story arcs because I think it's hot. Yaoi or death!


End file.
